<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Just Hold Me Until I Love Me by Winged_Fool</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30052794">Just Hold Me Until I Love Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winged_Fool/pseuds/Winged_Fool'>Winged_Fool</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>2x06 Airstream Scene, Character Study, Dissociation, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Not Maria DeLuca Friendly, Self-Worth Issues, alex + body, anti malexa, body issues, implied internalized homophobia, some homophobic language</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 03:07:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,920</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30052794</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winged_Fool/pseuds/Winged_Fool</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex has always struggled with the way he views his body, but those feelings ebb when he's near Michael.</p><p>A study on Alex's journey toward self-acceptance.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Michael Guerin/Alex Manes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>81</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Just Hold Me Until I Love Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p><b>Trigger Warning</b> This fic goes into discussions about Alex's reactions to the 2x06 threesome including dissociations. If you would like to skip that, I recommend stopping at <i>Alex is jolted back into the reality of where he is.</i> and then resuming at <i>It's easy to ignore the way Maria hangs off Michael's arm like that...</i> Because this is mostly a character study and not plot heavy, you won't miss much.</p><p>Please be kind to yourselves 💙</p><p>I tried to write this as fair to both characters as possible.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alex has always been self-conscious when it comes to his body. He grows up hearing the barbed words from his father, the soft fondness from his mother, the taunts from his brothers, then the slurs from his classmates. <em> Pretty boy, girly, effeminate, fag</em>.</p><p>He tries his best to navigate his self-image: black clothes first - to fade in the background, appear to take up as little space as possible. Then slowly introducing black nail polish and silver jewelry - finally comfortable enough with himself that he feels like he’s reclaimed some of the words around him. Forcing others to deal with who he is and not make it his problem.</p><p>Liz convinces him and Maria to go to prom together as a group and he wants to wear something that is <em> him </em> so he picks out a shiny silver suit jacket and lines his eyes with his customary makeup. But after the limo ride to the school gym, the jacket feels more like a straight jacket after enduring Kyle’s snide remarks under his breath when Liz was occupied talking to Maria. </p><p>Alex’s skin crawls and he feels like he is going to sweat through his shirt to the jacket and everyone will know he isn’t the strong unaffected person he projects to be. But when he flees the gym with Kyle’s gang of friends following close behind him, he sees Michael Guerin in the distance swing his attention squarely on Alex. Michael’s gaze on him does something funny, it almost feels like a physical touch on Alex's body. </p><p>Alex still feels out of sorts in his body but he doesn’t want to cower from Kyle in front of Michael. So instead, he squares his shoulders and turns around to face Kyle. They exchange barbed insults, all the while Alex feels Michael’s eyes on him, and even with his back to him, Michael’s gaze feels like a gentle caress. When Kyle goes too far, Alex pulls his fist back to punch him squarely in the face.</p><p>As he tries to flee from the night, Michael touches Alex’s shoulder briefly and his hand on his shoulder feels like a balm. It slows his beating heart and for a brief moment, they exchange a meaningful look before he pushes past him and flees back to his home - cursing Liz for convincing him this would be a good idea and Maria for ditching him to make some sort of scene with Isobel.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The next time they see each other is in the shed behind Alex’s house. He’s relieved that Michael has taken up on his offer to stay there and he hoists Greg’s old guitar on his back before joining Michael in the shed.</p><p>They mostly spend the time in companionable silence. He’s absolutely compelled by what Michael says about music quieting the chaos in his head. He almost feels like he can relate, maybe not chaos, but the idea of being at war with yourself is something that Alex is intimately familiar with. The moment turns tense like they’re on the precipice of something important so he leans in to kiss Michael. Michael gets a panicked look on his face before ducking away and starting to aggressively strum at the guitar.</p><p>Alex has never felt more like an idiot. He wants to set himself on fire. Anything to stop the feeling like he can’t do anything right. That he ruins everything. He tries to close his eyes and focus on Michael’s playing instead of the constant chanting of <em> failure, loser, idiot </em> reverberating in his mind. </p><p>Alex doesn’t know how much time has passed until Michael abruptly stops playing. He opens his eyes and realizes Michael is staring intently at him. At where Alex has been digging his nails into the meaty flesh of his arm. He immediately drops his arms to his side and averts his eyes. It’s not something he does often, but every once in a while when he feels so stupid and angry but doesn’t have an outlet for it, he’ll resort to this. “Sorry,” he mumbles.</p><p>Michael doesn’t immediately reply and Alex feels miserable and utterly fearful that Michael is going to be disgusted. Instead, Michael shifts next to him, putting the guitar down and placing one of his hands over the small wounds. Just like the night of prom, Michael’s touch on him feels warm and soothing. He doesn’t even notice the throbbing pain in his arm anymore. Alex stares at where they’re connected before chancing a look at Michael’s face.</p><p>He’s watching Alex with a gentle look and when he realizes that Alex is looking he smiles tentatively, “Don’t apologize. I...used to do shit like that too,” he admits in a quiet voice.</p><p>Alex’s heart clenches at the thought of beautiful, gentle Michael feeling as miserable as he is at this moment. Before he can say anything, Michael continues, “People out here have all these crazy expectations for guys in this town. How we should act. Look. Be...It’s overwhelming.”</p><p>“How do you deal with it?” Alex asks.</p><p>Michael shrugs, “People are always going to judge you for something.<em> Fuck </em> what they think, you know?”</p><p>Alex smiles tentatively, he’s never felt like this before. All the misery and self-consciousness that he normally carries with him has bled into the background. Michael’s hand almost feels like a healing touch on his body and it emboldens him. Michael had shared what music did for him, settling the chaos, and he just wants to tell <em> someone </em> how he feels all the time.</p><p>So he tries. He tells Michael about how wrong he’s always felt in his body, how he’s always tried to fade into the background so people wouldn’t notice all his flaws. Michael doesn’t say much, just nods along and squeezes Alex’s arm from time to time. He doesn’t offer any meaningless placations and Alex feels like a weight has been lifted from his chest.</p><p>When he’s getting ready to leave the shed, there’s a tension sparking between them again. It feels monumental, and Alex thinks maybe he should give it another shot at trying to kiss him. But Michael smiles sweetly at him and it scares Alex that he would just end up ruining this moment between them so he ducks his head and mumbles out a goodnight before escaping the shed.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Alex avoids Michael after that. He’s afraid of the things he earnestly and freely shared in the dark being judged in the light. His skin feels like it’s buzzing and he throws himself into his schoolwork and part-time job at the UFO emporium to ignore it.</p><p>He can’t avoid Michael forever though. He shows up at the ticket booth and asks if they can talk and Alex just knows that Michael is going to say they shouldn’t be friends anymore. He walks into the museum, each step feeling like his legs are weighed down with lead. He plays with his hat so he doesn’t have to see Michael’s face and it feels like they stand there an eternity before Michael moves.</p><p>He surges forward to cradle Alex’s face in his hands and press a sweet, hard kiss against his lips. When they part, Alex opens his eyes to see Michael smiling the sweetest smile at him. It gives him hope and drops his hat to the ground and surges in for another kiss.</p><p>Under the fake twinkling stars, Michael presses his body against Alex’s and kisses him hard. Alex ignores the voice inside his head that tells him that he is unworthy of this. They sway together in their embrace, Michael’s fingers splayed against his cheeks. Alex doesn’t recoil like he expected he would in such an embrace, instead he gets to appreciate the warmth radiating from Michael, marvel at how soft his fingers are. </p><p>When they finally pull away, they smile tentatively at each other. Alex has never felt more comfortable in his skin than in this moment. He wants to tell Michael how he makes him feel right, like he belongs somewhere, but Michael’s eyes twinkle - reflecting the light of the stars surrounding them - and he thinks maybe Michael already knows.</p><p>“My shift ends in like an hour,” he starts. </p><p>Michael jumps in immediately, “Can I wait here with you?”</p><p>Alex nods, giddy with the feeling that Michael wants to stay with him. “You can sit on the floor of the ticket booth with me?”</p><p>Michael smiles like Alex just offered him the best seat in the house instead of the dingy floor of the cramped booth. They squeeze in and Michael takes Alex’s hand and holds it the entire rest of Alex’s shift. The last hour of his shift is usually the worst, but he doesn’t even realize the minutes ticking by, focusing on how much he loves the way his hand feels in Michael’s.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>They return to the shed together, bodies pressed together, exchanging kisses, while giggling between breaths. Alex has never felt so exhilarated and Michael smiles back at him in his soft shy way and Alex thinks for a moment that he’s already half in love.</p><p>The familiar feeling of disgust toward his body starts to creep back in when Michael takes his shirt off. But it’s immediately quelled when Michael earnestly tells him, “And not with someone I like, as much as I like you.”</p><p>Alex falls into the embrace, all hesitations out the window, tightly clenching against Michael. They stumble to the bed, each in varying levels of undress but Michael gives Alex his full attention, completely undressing him in a careful way. When Alex is finally bare before him, Michael runs his hands all over Alex’s body. First down his chest, then back up to shoulders, and down his arms. His touch is reverent as though holding Alex is the most precious thing to him. He kisses Alex so gently as though trying to savor it and pour all his love into the kiss.</p><p>It’s the best moment of his life, but it won’t last long. Jesse will barge his way into their little sanctuary and right in front of Alex, destroy the best thing that’s ever happened to him. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The years pass. The small progress he felt towards accepting his flaws fly out the window after the shed. He wears his father’s uniform and he starts to feel disgust towards himself in a different way because he feels more like Jesse than he ever wanted. But wearing the uniform also allows him to blend in another way: everyone wears the same one, only small things on the uniform differentiating each person and Alex feels like he’s finally faded away.</p><p>If only it didn’t take his personality along with it.</p><p>Every leave he gets, Alex hops on a plane and returns to Roswell. He’s eager to spend what precious time he has with Michael who always welcomes back. Sometimes they stay tangled up with each other in the airstream the whole time, other times they’ll just go driving and camp in the bed of the truck under the stars. Alex feels the most at peace during these small moments and he hopes that Michael treasures them as much as he does.</p><p>Of course, nothing can go right for too long for Alex. He’s good at his job, and to his surprise he even loves it. But one day out in the desert, everything goes wrong.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Losing his leg feels like the cruelest joke to Alex. As he lays in his hospital bed, high off whatever pain killer they are pumping into him, he almost laughs at the irony. For years he always wanted to take up as little space as possible, fade into the background so no one would notice him. Now he has less body to hide; mission fucking accomplished.</p><p>He loses time in the immediate aftermath of the amputation. It’s easier to disappear inside his head, not have to worry about everything happening around him. He’s vaguely aware when they tell him that they’re going to transfer him to a hospital in the United States. He nods along with the doctor, a faraway look on his face. When he looks back at the doctor, she’s looking at him expectantly and he realizes she must have asked a question. “Sorry, what?”</p><p>The doctor gives him a sad look before repeating the question, “The staff at Walter Reed want to know if there is anyone they could contact for you to be added to the visitor’s list. We’ve already conveyed to them that you don’t want any of your family added.”</p><p>“Oh,” Alex replies dumbly. He feels so uncomfortable under the doctor’s scrutinization and he just wants to curl up until she leaves which makes him angry. He’d been making some progress with being more comfortable with himself the last couple of times he’d seen Michael.</p><p>Michael.</p><p>“Can you notify Michael Guerin?” Alex requests and she begins to write down his name. “He’s in Roswell, New Mexico. His contact info is on my phone…” he trails off and realizes for the first time since the accident that he doesn’t know what happened to it. He and Michael never really texted while he was deployed, so he’s probably not wondering about him. Still, the thought hits him harder than he expected.</p><p>“Do you know someone who would know how to get ahold of him?” she asks sympathetically.</p><p>He remembers distantly that Max is a cop now, so his best bet on getting in touch with Michael would be through the Sheriff’s office and he relays as much to the doctor. She writes the information down before giving him another smile and leaving his room.</p><p>His skin feels itchy after the conversation and the entire time he’s on the flight to DC. It’s as though it craves Michael’s touch and is waiting for him to show up. The staff at Walter Reed inform him that they were able to get ahold of Michael so he knows it’s really only a matter of time before he shows up.</p><p>Sure enough, after a mere week in DC, Michael runs into Alex’s hospital room. He throws out his arms for Michael who wastes no time gathering Alex into his embrace. He feels the heat behind his eyes and the tightness in his throat grow the longer the hug goes on. The tears don’t start until he feels Michael kiss the crown of his head.</p><p>Michael doesn’t say anything when he feels the wetness against his neck. Instead, he pulls away and cradles Alex’s head in each hand, using his thumb to wipe away the tears. Alex shuts his eyes, willing the tears to stop, to erase the image of Michael’s lovely pitying look. It’s quiet between them - the din of the hospital in the background, the intermittent beeping of the machines Alex is hooked up to - broken up with Alex’s quiet sniffles.</p><p>He finally calms down and opens his eyes after he feels a dip on the bed and sees that Michael has sat next to him. They don’t say anything, Michael just holds his hand quietly. He leans back into Alex’s space and uses his free hand to rake his fingers through Alex’s hair. “I’m glad you called,” he finally says in a hushed voice. He doesn’t offer any meaningless placations like he’s glad Alex is okay or tell him that everything will be fine. </p><p>Alex feels calm for the first time since he woke up in a hospital. He takes in a shuddering breath and nods. His response dies on his tongue as he spies the general who has taken over Alex’s supervision about to walk in before he realizes Alex has a guest and hastily makes his exit. “Sorry,” he mutters. </p><p>“For what?” Michael asks, genuinely confused.</p><p>“People are going to get the wrong idea about us…” Alex starts. Even after DADT has been repealed, Alex still lives in fear of how others will see him. He’s always felt it less in Michael’s presence, but now they’re going to judge both of them and it makes his skin crawl.</p><p>“Fuck what people think,” Michael replies with a slight smile making Alex return it tentatively. </p><p>He tries to shake off the lingering feeling of others watching, but it still lurks beneath the surface. Alex focuses on the fact that Michael is really here and blurts out the first thing that comes to mind, “I’m glad you came.”</p><p>Michael’s smile morphs into a more gentle one before he quietly says, “Me too.” They stay silent for a moment before he finally addresses the elephant in the room, “How bad is it?”</p><p>Alex’s eyes flick from his leg back to Michael’s face. “Bad,” he starts, then steels himself with a deep breath, “They had to amputate it.”</p><p>Michael sucks in a shocked breath. He assumes the doctors told him what happened when they contacted him, but perhaps it being confirmed by Alex is another matter altogether. </p><p>Michael releases Alex’s hand and his hand hovers over Alex’s covered legs. He knows that Michael wants to see it, to confirm that Alex really is okay. Michael won’t ask though, he’s always respected Alex’s boundaries and never overstepped. Instead, Michael drops his hand back against Alex’s but before he can grasp it again, Alex quietly says, “You can look.”</p><p>“Are you sure?” Michael asks, “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”</p><p>In lieu of answering, Alex unceremoniously pulls the cover off and bears the wound to Michael’s scrutiny. Michael leans forward on the bed to look and he’s quiet as his eyes drag against Alex’s leg and it feels like a physical touch; the skin of his leg tingles, not at peace like it normally is when Michael is touching him. He hears Michael’s breath hitch and he knows that he’s trying not to cry in front of Alex so Alex reaches out and gently touches one of Michael’s arms. Michael’s other hand covers Alex’s for a brief moment before hesitantly reaching out to Alex’s leg.</p><p>Alex looks away, no one has touched his leg since the amputation aside from doctors. He hasn’t even looked at it properly himself, so he braces himself to feel the recoil he is so familiar with when someone touches him.</p><p>Instead, all he feels is the familiar warmth of Michael’s hand resting atop the bandages and Alex chances a look at where he’s touching him. Michael placed his own mangled hand over the wound and something in Alex’s chest unclenches. As always, Michael’s touch simply feels like home.</p><p>Alex isn’t sure how long they stay like that, no words need to be spoken as they simply take in the other. Finally, a nurse comes by to do the rounds and it breaks them out of their reverie. Michael gets off the bed to let the nurse do her job and he hovers nervously behind her. Alex smiles at the image and he lets out a large exhale, finally feeling like he can breathe normally again.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The first time they hook up again after Alex’s amputation, he’s worried that this will finally be when Michael realizes what everyone else has always known. His body is repulsive, he knows it in his heart, but Michael has never treated him that way and his heart would break if Michael ever looks at him the way everyone else always has.</p><p>Michael, in his quiet way, must see Alex’s turmoil written all over his face. He runs his hands down Alex’s chest, leans down to kiss the skin after his hands move away. He follows his hands down Alex’s body, until he finally reaches the top of his pants. Alex’s heart starts hammering when Michael lifts his head to watch him while he unbuttons the jeans, giving Alex the chance to jerk away, to stop him. Alex thinks he can handle it so he nods minutely and Michael smiles softly before returning his attention to Alex’s pants.</p><p>He pulls the pants down, but as soon as he’s about to pull them down where his wound starts, he throws his arms out and stops Michael. “Stop,” he chokes out.</p><p>Michael immediately releases Alex and pulls back up to be level with Alex. “What’s wrong?”</p><p>Alex swallows thickly, the words stuck in his throat. He opens his mouth but can’t speak around the knot. Michael watches him patiently, his right hand on Alex’s waist, rubbing soothing circles into his skin while he waits for Alex to speak. “I don’t want you to see,” he finally gulps out.</p><p>Michael’s eyes soften and he brings both hands up to cradle Alex’s head. “I’ve already seen it, Alex,” he reminds him quietly. </p><p>“Not,” he starts before averting his eyes and taking a deep breath. “Not like this though.”</p><p>Michael makes a hurt noise in the back of his throat which causes Alex’s eyes to snap back to Michael’s face. “It doesn’t change anything, Alex.”</p><p>Alex chokes back a sob threatening to come up, “It changes <em> everything, </em>Michael, you can’t pretend it doesn’t.”</p><p>“Of course it changes things,” Michael starts, “but nothing between us.”</p><p>Rage boils in Alex, it prickles under his skin. He’s never felt this way toward Michael before. “Easy enough for you to say,” he lashes out.</p><p>Michael’s face falls and it just makes Ales feel worse. Michael has only ever shown him kindness and patience and yet here is throwing that kindness away. And then Michael puts his hand - his lovely hand that had been ruthlessly destroyed before Alex’s very eyes just because he dared to treat Alex any differently than his father and everyone else had ever treated him - over Alex’s hand. It takes the fight right out of him. </p><p>Who would know better than Michael what it was like to not quite feel right in your body, to have it irreparably ruined and forever change the way you view yourself. Alex places his other hand over Michael’s, sandwiching it between his hands. “I’m sorry,” he whispers and keeps his gaze down at their hands. He feels tears welling up and he wills them away.</p><p>“It’s okay,” Michael replies softly. “I do get it though, fuck what everyone else thinks.” The familiar words make his heart ache a bit. He has always understood Alex and his body issues intuitively, having dealt with his own. Alex knows that Michael wears the loud cowboy get-up because he thinks it’s the easiest way to blend in in a town like Roswell. </p><p>Alex pulls his hands away to help push himself to the edge of Michael’s bed and proceeds to pull his pants off. He doesn’t do it teasingly to entice Michael, he pulls them down with the single-minded thought that if he doesn’t do it now, he never will. Once the pants have been cast off, he goes to remove the prosthetic as well.</p><p>Michael, for his part, gently holds Alex and pulls him down with him so they’re laying in an embrace on the bed. They stay like that for a long while before Michael releases him and lovingly runs his hands down Alex’s body until they reach his wounded leg. The touches are soft at first until Michael gets bolder and starts to massage the damaged tissue. Alex presses his forehead against Michael’s shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut, and relishing the familiar feeling of Michael’s touch.</p><p>They don’t end up having sex that night, opting to remain in each other’s embrace, but it still feels like the most intimate act.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Alex once thought that when he came back to Roswell permanently, things would be easier between him and Michael. They love each other, everything else could fall into place. It was...naïve at best to think that.</p><p>Returning to Roswell is much harder than he expected. He never anticipated that he’d be returning because of an injury like the one he now has and it feels like Jesse is everywhere. Alex is hyper aware of him at all times; it’s like he’s always on the periphery, ready to tear Alex down further. He feels his body vibrate in the most unpleasant way and even when he’s with Michael, he can’t shake Jesse’s malevolent influence in his life.</p><p>It’s easy to latch onto Michael selling the copper wire to get some distance from him. It’s a punishment Alex feels like he needs - he doesn’t really even consider how he might be hurting Michael.</p><p>In the absence of having Michael, he throws himself into his work and stumbles across the enormous conspiracy his father is hiding. It’s a web of information on the ‘47 UFO crash in Roswell, something called Project Shephard, actual aliens. And in the middle of it is Michael and the Evans siblings under surveillance. It shakes him to his core and he knows that he can’t keep this information to himself.</p><p>When he feels like he has his bearings in order, he goes out to the junkyard to talk to Michael about it. He initially feels completely hurt when he sees Maria’s necklace after Michael pulls it out of his boot, but he knows this is more important. He gets a little lost talking about how they’ve always connected when Michael interrupts him to exclaim their connection always felt <em> cosmic</em>.</p><p>The word hits him square in his chest, it takes his literal breath away. The fight immediately deflates from him and they get to talking. Michael takes him underground to his bunker to show him all of the things he’s collected related to his alienness. Alex thinks he does a pretty good job of taking it all in without suddenly laughing hysterically at the truth of Michael being an alien.</p><p>But when Michael shows Alex the console and the realization that Michael is trying to leave the planet hits him, he has his freak out. Michael has spent years collecting pieces for the console to leave. Leave. The thing Alex has done to Michael for years, but he’s always returned. Didn’t Michael know that? They were just temporary partings. If Michael didn’t know that, then did that mean while he’d been holding Alex, making him feel like he was home, he didn’t get the same feeling from Alex?</p><p>It’s simply too much to consider in light of everything else they’ve discussed, so he mutters out some excuse and flees the bunker. <em> Like a coward</em>, he viciously thinks to himself, <em> like I always do</em>.</p><p>It’s not until he’s back in his SUV that he realizes that he has a missing piece of Michael’s console. A key to Michael’s escape. Alex simply doesn’t have the capacity to deal with that at the moment, so instead he continues his flight away from Michael and drives out of the junkyard.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Caulfield is...poorly planned. Alex found out about the possibility of other aliens being held there and wants to share this with Michael, he doesn’t do the necessary intel on it and they go in with so much missing information.</p><p>But when he’s standing with Michael with the alarm blaring above them, he knows that he would rather be nowhere else than here. He’s prepared to stay with Michael so he knows just how much Alex loves him. It doesn’t come to that, Michael’s mother telling them to run and they do, hand in hand out the building as it explodes behind them.</p><p>Alex holds Michael the entire drive home, stroking his hair. Michael doesn’t cry and it scares Alex. He’s afraid that Michael will have a meltdown later. He wants to tackle Michael into the airstream and just hold him the way that Michael has always held Alex, but Michael pulls out of Alex’s embrace, squeezes his shoulder, and disappears into the airstream.</p><p>He and Kyle leave but the weight of the moment stays with Alex. He paces at home and thinks desperately of Michael and how he’s doing. So he heads back to the junkyard, lets himself into the airstream, and waits.</p><p>Michael comes crashing in later, all nervous energy and with blood on his shirt. Alex is alarmed and they talk for a bit. He tries to tell Michael how for years he’s been seeing Jesse stare back at him from the mirror, but how Michael has always made him feel better, safe.</p><p>And Michael, in his gentle way tries to tell Alex that he’s not like Jesse at all. It makes Alex want to wrap his arms around him, kiss him, and hold him forever. Before he can though, Michael screams and whisks back out the airstream telling Alex they’ll talk again tomorrow.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Alex learns that no matter how much you love someone, everyone’s patience has a limit.  </p><p>At Noah’s funeral, Alex feels like he’s sucker-punched when he sees the bandana carelessly wrapped around Michael’s left hand. He knows he should be happy for Michael, but it feels like an important part of their history, their connection has been erased without a thought. He feels like he can’t breathe and he doesn’t stay at the funeral long.</p><p>Days pass and no one really tells him anything about what’s going on. It gives him time to think. He had spent years trying to be better for Michael when he was already enough. It’s a thought that stays with him as he’s finally read back into what’s going on with the aliens. He sets up a new base of operations for them, and Michael avoids Alex and he doesn’t really understand why. </p><p>He later finds out that in the time he’s been working on getting the base set up, Michael moves on to Maria. It hurts.  It hurts because Alex had laid himself bare to Michael for years and let him see him in ways no one else ever had. And that he was willing to stay this time.</p><p>This time. </p><p>Alex knows it’s selfish. He’s always kept Michael at an arm’s length to protect himself and now that he’s ready, of course Michael is done with waiting. He wants to try something with someone who actually feels comfortable in their skin. Who doesn’t flinch, quake, or tremble every time Michael tries to hold them.</p><p>His suspicions are confirmed when he comes home to find Michael waiting for him at night. His heart lifts, hoping they can have the conversation he was denied after Alex came to Michael in his airstream after Caulfield.</p><p>Instead, Michael stands there and tells him that he likes Maria and he wants to try something with her. His skin feels aflame but Alex manages a wobbly smile. “I get it,” he lies, “You know, honestly, if I could choose to be with Maria DeLuca, I would too.”</p><p>Michael’s face falls at Alex’s words and it only serves to confuse him more. He’s giving Michael his blessing, was that not why he was here? “It’s not like that, Alex,” Michael replies quietly.</p><p>Alex shrugs again, in confusion, “Like what?”</p><p>“It’s not because...you’re you.” If the words were meant to mollify Alex, they fail as Alex flinches away from Michael. “It’s not because you’re a man and she’s a woman. Or because…” he trails off and glances down at Alex’s leg causing him to stiffen. Michael looks back up at Alex, “We weren’t ready. Maybe we never will be, always on different pages of the same book.”</p><p>Alex swallows thickly, “I was. I was ready.” Michael looks down and shifts on his feet. “I am sorry, though,” Alex says softly, “I haven’t been fair to you in the past and always expected you to wait for me and that’s not fair either.”</p><p>When Michael finally looks back up, his eyes are shining and Alex imagines his aren’t much better. “Thank you,” he replies. “And I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry that it’s your best friend I’m trying something with.”</p><p><em> Best friend </em> , the word sits heavy in the air. Alex isn’t sure how true that title is anymore, but instead of quibbling on it, he merely nods. “It’s not okay it’s her, but it’s okay that you are moving on. Just…” he trails off, unsure of how to phrase the request, or if he even has the right to. “We’re going to be spending a lot of time together still so…” he trails off again, hoping Michael will pick up on his meaning without having to say it explicitly. It would sound too pathetic. <em> Please don’t rub it in my face that you two are happy. </em></p><p>Michael furrows his brows, not understanding and Alex sighs. “You’re not a cruel man, and you never have been to me,” he says.</p><p>His meaning finally breaks through to Michael and he sucks in a breath. “And I won’t start,” he promises solemnly.</p><p>Alex nods wobbly, “Thank you. Good night, Guerin.” He averts his eyes and sidesteps Michael, making his way into his house without giving Michael a chance to respond.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Michael does at least <em> try </em> not to throw his budding relationship in Alex’s face. He’s back to his snarky self while they explore the Long farm for any leads on Nora and it feels like nothing has really changed between them. Alex pushes their boundaries a bit by flirtily revealing to Michael what he normally smells like and gives him a quick once over before moving away. <em> Stupid, stupid, stupid </em> a voice chants in his head, and suddenly his skin feels tight and he feels uncomfortable once more in Michael’s company.</p><p>He’s often felt like his skin is an ill-fitted suit, tight around the edges, difficult to move in. The feeling never rings more true than when he’s ruined a moment. He hates this feeling even more because it’s with Michael.</p><p>He’s stuck in his head for the next few moments until someone enters the barn and interrupts them. Forrest is nice enough to give them more information - even if it’s all Nazi-related he doesn’t threaten to kill them for trespassing like Wyatt had done merely an hour earlier. </p><p>Michael and Alex end up on a log together and they gravitate toward each other again. Alex used to think their bodies knew each other - they always would seek each other out and when they were finally in the same vicinity again it’s like they were pulled together like magnets. He tries to squash the familiar thought once it enters his mind again because it’s not fair to Michael nor Maria to hold on to that thought.</p><p>Instead, he focuses on Forrest when he returns, smiles at his attempts at jokes, nods while he tells them more information about the Long Farm, and just does his best to keep his attention on Forrest. He knows he’s not fooling himself because the entire time, he’s hyper aware of where Michael is at all times and he wants nothing more than to reach out for him to bring their bodies back together.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Maria shows up uninvited on his doorstep one day. She says something about them being even, a glib tone coloring her words, as though she doesn’t take what she’s saying all that seriously. And Alex, a glutton for punishment, simply smiles and agrees with her before letting her into his home.</p><p>They get to the topic of Michael and he’s apparently decided to go for further self-flagellation as he tells her about how loving Michael is the easiest thing in the world and opens up to her about their relationship. He remembers the summer before he left to basic with mixed emotions. </p><p>All Alex has ever wanted for Michael was for him to be his best self. He wanted him to take the full ride to UNM, get out of Roswell, the city that had always made them feel ashamed of themselves. But seeing what happened to Michael after his father attacked him, giving up on his dreams, made his heart ache for Michael while feeling suffocated by the guilt that he was the reason.</p><p>But the moments that they did have together between the shed and his leaving are some of his most cherished. Michael had made him feel loved and he hoped that he could have at least given a fraction of that back to Michael.</p><p>He gets lost in his thoughts for a while before he remembers Maria is there so he snaps out of it and looks at her. She has a thoughtful look on her face and smiles when she realizes he’s looking at her. They don’t talk about what happened in that moment and she changes the subject to tell him why she’s really there.</p><p>She hands over Mimi’s laptop and sits back down on the couch while Alex takes a look. After some tinkering on the computer, he pushes away from his desk to address her but she’s suddenly planting herself down in his lap. His body screams in protest and he’s overcome with the desire to push her off in an attempt to quiet the way his skin recoils. It’s normal for friends to share moments like this, right? He’s not sure but he knows that Maria wouldn’t cross his boundaries like that so he ignores the way he feels his skin crawls, the way his leg aches with the extra weight. He tries to get back to his laptop and wraps his arms around Maria’s lithe body, careful not to touch her.</p><p>Alex knows he’s thinking too much about this, he hopes he’s not acting strange around her. He doesn’t know how the rest of the day goes, too focused on her body against his and just how wrong it feels.</p><p>He continues to feel her weight on him for the rest of the day and he can’t shake the suffocating feeling that started the moment she walked into his house earlier. It’s almost like his body knows exactly who is responsible for keeping Michael away from him.</p><p>Alex angrily turns on his side, chastising himself for even thinking that, and tries to fall asleep without thinking of either her or Michael. He’s not successful.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Alex smiles at Forrest at the flea market as Maria proudly beams at the two of them. He thinks that Forrest is a nice guy but instead of focusing on that, all he can think of is how awful he looks and how he hopes Forrest isn’t cataloging all his flaws. He’s still holding Buffy and with a jolt of horror realizes how weird and awkward it is. This isn’t his dog and he doesn’t even know Forrest that well. </p><p>After Forrest leaves, Alex realizes that he was <em> flirting </em> with him. It makes him feel queasy. Forrest wouldn’t have if he knew everything wrong with him. Michael had tried for so long to see past everything but even he needed a break. Instead of feeling elated that another guy is giving him attention, he feels miserable.</p><p>Maria is talking about something and he tries to focus on what she’s saying. He readily agrees to accompany her on the trip out to the bootmaker to see if they can get more information on what’s going on with Mimi.</p><p>While they’re driving there, they somehow - <em> again </em> - get onto the topic of Michael. He wishes he had made the same request of her that he made of Michael but he knows that it would be awkward to bring it up with her now, so he keeps quiet. Instead, he speaks up in defense of Michael, it’s the least he can do for all the kindness Michael has shown him throughout the years.</p><p>He kicks himself because all he’s doing is endearing Michael to her, working against himself as usual.</p><p>Alex is still dwelling on the thought that he doesn’t immediately catch Maria’s change in topic. Talking about his sexuality is something he’s never felt comfortable with. His father saw to it that he would be ashamed of it long before he even understood why; joining the military while DADT was still firmly in place also made it easier for him to just shove down and ignore. It’s just Michael, it’s always been Michael.</p><p>He tries to explain to Maria how he’s never felt comfortable with himself. How his body repels him on the best of days and how in the past he’s tried to use experiences with women as a way to erase himself further. Alex has never been able to put his feelings into words, not even with Michael who always just understood, and he feels like he’s failed to get Maria to understand. How can he explain what it’s like to hate every part of yourself to a beautiful self-confident woman like Maria?</p><p>His thoughts about this take a backseat when he and Maria run into trouble with the bootmaker. The next couple hours are just a blur until Michael shows up from out of nowhere and suddenly he’s taken back to the airstream. He knows he got stabbed and his chest is aching from the injury.</p><p>Michael’s hands are gentle on him as he tries to patch up the wound. He touches Alex tentatively, almost as though he’s not sure if he’s even allowed to do so anymore. Alex has never wanted Michael’s hands to leave his body so he leans into the touch, reveling in the small comfort they bring him.  He wants to hold Michael in his embrace, kiss each finger, and remind him that his touch is always welcome. It’s when Michael is touching him that he feels the most at peace. </p><p>Alex is transported to another time, sitting on Michael’s little bed in the airstream with Michael crouched in front of him. Looking at him so tenderly with his hands on his chest. They’ve always been able to communicate with each other without words, not much needs to be said between them, yet Michael still tells him, earnestly, “I almost lost you.” Then remembering they’re not alone, he flicks his eyes over to Maria and amends his statement, “Both of you.”</p><p>Alex is jolted back to the reality of where he is: Maria sitting behind him, Michael crouching in front of him but not wanting him. He wants to pull away and does so muttering that he should leave.</p><p>Maria kisses Michael in front of him and he wants the ground to swallow him whole. Michael had promised. </p><p>He’s not sure what happens next, preferring instead to close his eyes and forget this night ever happened.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Alex has experienced different levels of disgust toward his body at various points in his life. When he told Maria about his experiences with women, he was trying to communicate some of that disgust to her. That those experiences were just another form of punishment for him - a way for him to disappear if only for a moment.</p><p>He thought those moments with those anonymous women were the height of disgust he’d ever felt toward his body. But it all paled in comparison to the way he feels after the worst night of his life. He isn’t lying when he tells Michael that he felt like he had been trapped in a circle of hell and when Michael cuts him off saying it made them feel <em> loved </em> he looks away.</p><p>He thought Michael knew him better than this. </p><p>Alex doesn't know what he says to finally get out of there. Neither of them offer him a ride back home, so instead he walks as far as he can until his leg is aching too much. He pulls out his phone to call Kyle who picks him up without any comment.</p><p>At least, for a while.</p><p>“What happened to you last night?” Kyle asks, not looking at Alex, maybe in an attempt to keep him at ease.</p><p>Alex feels like he’s never going to be at ease again. He looks out the window and tries his best not to sound too detached. “Michael took me and Maria back to the airstream and patched up my chest.”</p><p>“What?” Kyle demands, “Patch up your chest? What happened?”</p><p>He shrugs, still not looking at Kyle. “I got stabbed.” He hears Kyle sigh deeply before making a U-turn at the next stoplight.  “Where are you taking us?”</p><p>“The hospital. Like I’d trust Guerin to make sure you got proper help,” Kyle mutters, he still hasn’t looked at Alex and when he looks over at him, he sees that Kyle’s knuckles are white against the steering wheel.</p><p>“He would never hurt me,” he says hollowly. “But Maria was there, so he had a different priority.”</p><p>Kyle says nothing and Alex watches with a detached interest the way his knuckles tighten even further. </p><p>After Kyle gets him checked out, stitches up the wound, and gives him a stern reminder that when he’s hurt he needs to call <em> Kyle</em>, he drops him off at his house. Alex sits in his living room, staring out blankly, and thinks idly that he’s probably not handling everything okay.</p><p>He doesn’t know how long he sits there before he’s suddenly feeling <em> everything </em> from the night before. Both of their hands on his body and he wants to scream. Instead, he calmly makes his way into the bathroom, undresses, and sits on the tub of the shower, letting the hot stream run over his body.</p><p>He feels Maria’s hands slide over his shoulders once more and he wants to throw up. It feels like a brand and no matter how much he scrubs at it in the shower - his entire body turning bright red for all his work in trying to erase the feeling - it lays heavy there, shackling him and trapping him in Michael’s airstream.</p><p>The first place they’d found home together in after the shed. Another safe place ruined for them.</p><p>It feels like his skin is constantly crawling after that night. Stretched tight over a facsimile of a human. He feels especially uncomfortable in his skin and even a bit out of his mind. Not even having Michael call him after he learns the news about Walt shakes him back into reality. They don’t address what happened the last time they saw each other and it’s probably why he doesn’t feel better. </p><p>It’s definitely why he doesn’t protest much on joining the trek out to the reservation to see Gregory, even if it means he’s squished in the backseat with Michael and Maria. Being so close to them again makes him recoil, he can feel the brand of their hands - Maria’s in particular - light up on his skin again and he wants to get as far away from them as possible.</p><p>It’s easy to ignore the way Maria hangs off Michael’s arm like that because looking at them hurts too much on its own. Instead, he concentrates on what Greg has to say about their mother and her friend on the reservation. He shares a sweet moment with Greg before they leave and when they hug, it finally feels like the brands have been removed. He gets teary-eyed but does his best to blink them away before he says a final goodbye to Greg.</p><p>Back in Roswell, he and Michael fight about Jesse. The monster that has always stood between them. He knows he’s being foolish about Jesse, but he wants to believe if nothing else, they can get information from him.</p><p>How wrong he is.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Alex lays on the mattress on the floor humming to himself. He thinks about Michael, about everything they’ve been through together. But most of all, he thinks of the comfort he’s always gotten from Michael’s touch.</p><p>All of the sudden, Michael is bursting through the door, hugging Alex tightly. He never wants to let him go and he begs Michael to take him with him. He can see the fear in Michael’s eyes and he thinks it must have been too close this time, whatever had happened after Alex was taken had spooked him. It’s likely why Michael leaves him chained there. Alex tries to understand but his skin feels so forlorn with Michael’s departure.</p><p>CrashCon is a blur. When Jesse points the gun at Michael, everything in his body screams at him to jump in to save him. Before he can act on it though, Greg does it for him. Two people showing they care for Alex, standing up to his biggest demon.</p><p>When Greg shoots Jesse and the three of them stand over his body, Alex feels nothing. Not the pang of sorrow to have lost this man he tried for years to get the approval of, not the pull to embrace Michael, not a speck of gratitude to Greg for protecting him. He feels empty.</p><p>The emptiness grows in the days that follow. At Jesse’s funeral, people shake his hand and offer their sympathies and he still feels nothing. Where a handshake would normally bring him anxiety, it merely becomes a social nicety. </p><p>Alex is worried that he may never feel anything again. Until he goes back to his childhood home and stands alone in the shed. Memories wash over him, the good win out over the bad, and he craves Michael’s touch - the first thing he’s truly felt since CrashCon.</p><p>When Michael comes out to meet Alex in the shed, the feelings swell. This was the first place he felt loved, where he felt like he could learn how to accept the worst parts of himself, where he recklessly and head first fell in love with Michael. He closes his eyes so he doesn’t do something he regrets like pulling Michael into an embrace. </p><p>He hears Michael moving around the shed and when he opens his eyes again, Michael has a hammer in his hands. Alex starts to panic, it’s the very same that changed so much between them. The thing that caused Alex to start blaming himself for his gentle other half having to give up <em> everything </em> because of him. He remembers the days after the attack when Jesse forced him back into the shed to wipe down every last drop of blood from the floorboards and the hammer itself. </p><p>Alex looks away, but Michael approaches him and hands the hammer to him. He’s not sure which of them decides to start tearing down the shed, but when they start, they simply can’t stop. It’s so cathartic and Alex finds it exhilarating to share this moment with Michael. </p><p>Of course, like most things between them, it doesn’t last very long. The joy crashing all around them when they find Tripp’s skeleton.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Alex starts wearing Tripp’s dog tags and he feels a strange peace with them over his chest. Another Manes that understood what it was like to love an alien, that sacrificed so much for that love. When he sits in the Crashdown with Michael and Isobel and he reads Tripp’s words about being connected like something cosmic, Alex can’t help but flick his eyes over to Michael. He looks as gobsmacked as Alex feels - that someone else experienced the same thing they had. </p><p><em> Cosmic </em>. It’s a word Alex has treasured since Michael uttered it all those months ago. It explains so much between them, probably why Alex has always felt so safe and connected to Michael whenever he held him. It’s why his touch never repulsed Alex the way so many others did.</p><p>It’s later that Alex starts to reflect on everything that has happened between them in the past year.</p><p>He has tied too much of his own self-worth to Michael; possibly out of his own love for Michael but also because Michael was the first one to ever make him feel comfortable and validate his feelings towards his body. It’s why he went along with things he knew he shouldn’t have, why he was willing to stay in Caulfield when it was going to explode, why he has put his career in jeopardy to help the aliens. He loves Michael, he knows he always will just as he knows that no matter where he is Michael will always love him.</p><p>Michael has shown him it’s okay to be loved, to accept love. And when he thinks about Michael’s hands on him, the soft secret smiles they’ve shared, the good times they’ve had, it makes his heart soften. Michael is without a doubt the best person he knows and if someone like him could love Alex, could love all the flaws and imperfections, perhaps Alex could learn to as well.</p><p>When he sits in the Wild Pony on stage and sings, <em> I have begun to heal in all the places your hands have been </em>, he does that for himself. The song is an ode to their relationship but it’s for him and no one else. At one point, he's aware when Michael walks into the bar. He's always been able to feel his presence, his body naturally seeking out Michael's. And, for a brief moment, when he and Alex make eye contact, Alex smiles at him. Alex knows now what Michael was talking about all those months ago. They’re not ready, but they will be. And while it hurts to see Michael walk out during his performance, he knows it’s what Michael needs right now. His body aches gently at the loss, but not in the same sorrowful way it did during the months Michael had chosen someone else. But rather in the way it would before it was quelled away by Michael's embrace.</p><p>Alex needed Michael to hold him so he could heal and learn to love. Michael needs Alex to give him space and time, and Alex is happy to be the one to wait now until Michael is ready.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>